Torched

I’m sick to fucking death of people telling me to chill out.

Be patient.

Just put up with it.

I’m too old, too tired and too busy with other shit to want to listen to people who bad-mouth me.

You want to have an issue with me?  Fine.  Bring it, bitch.

I haven’t done anything wrong, and I DON’T have to be your friend, just because your son and my daughter happened to create a child between them.

I don’t have to like you.

I don’t have to “hang out” with you, or agree with you on ANYTHING.

I don’t have to placate your feelings, or attempt to make you feel better.

Suck it up, you raised your child to be who he is, whether he has an illness or not – his personality quirks are NOT my fault, nor are they my issue.

I can see from my own experience - you trained him to react to life like you do.  Jump to conclusions on only half the facts – lash out at whomever’s closest and most handy – then forget about it 2 seconds after you’ve burned down their world, and expect them to forgive and forget just as quickly.

I have more brains than your average squirrel.

I will not forget the things you said to my daughter while she was pregnant.

I will not forget the things I’ve overheard you saying to your child, and to mine, since the baby was born.

I will not forget the things you’ve TEXTED – not just to me, but to my daughter, and to your own son.

There are lines you do NOT cross, and expect to come back from it. 

There are words you DO NOT say, and expect to take back.

You’ve crossed too many lines.

You’ve said too many words.

You won’t ever be in the circle of people I trust.

Don’t bother.

You’ve been torched, and are nothing more than a blackened spot in the book of life.

Begone, foul creature.

 

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Smoke

Stressed out,
Strung tight
Frustrated
Ready to fight

Wanting out
Done with this
Hands clenched
Into fists

Fires blazing
In my eyes
Tension high
Watch the smoke rise.

Just Stop

I’m getting really fucking tired of people telling me to calm down. Just because my house isn’t going to be inundated, doesn’t mean I’m not having flood-related problems.

Don’t try to negate my worries because you think yours are bigger, worse, or scarier.  Everyone’s fears and worries are valid. So GET OUT OF MY BUBBLE.

Here endeth the rant.  For now.

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Oubliette

Really damn tired of always being the one left wondering what the hell is going on.

Maybe I need to start rebuilding the walls.

Thicker, stronger, more impenetrable.

I may decide to build myself an oubliette.

In French, the word means “little forgetting”.

Maybe, if the walls are thick enough, I’ll forget.

There are times – when I wish I’d never been woken up.

So I wouldn’t know what it is that I’m missing.

And I could have gone on… just dreaming of “someday”.

But I’m awake.

And I can’t unsee what I’ve seen,

Can’t un-feel what’s been done.

Can’t unbreak what’s broken.

And the words won’t come.

When we’re face to face.

They get caught in my throat,

choking me.

Next Window, Please

I came so close to running today.

Not in any physical sense, as there’s really no place to go, and I couldn’t leave the kids.

But… emotionally.  That’s a different story.

I wanted so badly to just drag myself down into a hole, and pull the rocks in over me.

Disappear from view, and wait till the fallout had drifted by overhead.

I even though about stopping blogging.

Just pull shut the gates, hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign, and plug my ears.

I’m tired of all the ups and downs, the mood swings, the erratic behavior.  And the biggest problem is, that it’s all inside me.  I can’t get away from it. 

I thought maybe it was staying up too late.

So I went to bed early.

It didn’t help.

The moods strike, without warning, without a care as to where I am, and I can’t seem to stop them from overwhelming me, sometimes.

I had a “moment” at work today, and had to run to the bathroom, shaking.

I know that this is not really who I am. 

I simply need to get to the next phase.  Get through this divorce, and I’ll be able to regain some semblance of balance.  I need to get out of this line, waiting for my resolution, and get to the next open window.

I need a fresh, crisp breeze to blow away the cobwebs.

High Water

Lately, I feel like I’m drowning in doubt.

Not about the divorce.  I know that I can’t stay in this relationship anymore.  There’s no turning back from here.

But everything else…

I know that I’m acting like some kind of crazed lunatic, some days.  It’s just the fear, the self-doubt, the utter lack of self-confidence. 

How can I do this?  How can I be strong enough to take this on by myself? 

Will I ever be enough again?

My balance is shot.

My life is upside down, and all I see is the view from the bottom of the pond, looking up.

The water is high, and getting deeper, and I can no longer feel the bottom under my feet.

Goddess, I’m drowning.

Absence

I won’t be posting anything public here for a while, due to legal issues going on at home.

Sorry.

Be back soon, I hope.

Lost

I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going fast.

Everything is clipping along, and I feel like I’ve been grabbed in a faster moving stream than I was ready for, I’m drowning in it. 

Suddenly, this is all becoming so real. 

Looking through ads today, there’s literally no where to move my family to, if and when we sell the house.

I have no idea how I’m going to provide for my kids, put a roof over their heads.

I wish I could just stay in this house, but I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to refinance it by myself.  My credit’s pretty much shot, due to my daughter’s crapping out on her car loan, and her student loan.

I’m so screwed.

And I’m sure, there’s a light, somewhere at the end of this tunnel, but it’s so dark right now, I can’t see it.  Either that, or that light?  Is a bus, waiting to hit me, face first.

I’m so scared, and I can’t let my kids see me cry.  I have no where to go, nowhere to run to.

My parents are “disappointed” in me again, so I can’t turn to them.

Some of my friends are certain that this is just a phase, or that it’s a mid-life crisis, and I should get over it.

If there were only a way I could find somewhere, within my means, to live… but there’s nothing.  I don’t know how to do this on my own.  I haven’t been on my own for so long, I’ve forgotten how to do it.  And, of course, there’s nothing in savings, except for a tiny little bit.

Maybe, just maybe, I can pull something from my retirement, but I don’t know. 

I wish I could just stay here.

But I don’t think that’s going to be possible.

Oh, Goddess… I am so lost.

Weary

I’m tired.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells.

I’m tired of feeling like my house is a field full of landmines.

I came home tonight, and there was more silence.

He shaved his face.  He cleaned up the kitchen and the bathroom.

He pouted because I didn’t say anything about it.

Whatthefuckever.

How many times have I done cleaning, or fixed something, or changed something about myself, and it goes un-remarked?  Why, suddenly, am I the bad guy because I don’t fall to my knees in praise???

I’m angry.

I told him this.  I told him that I don’t feel he even likes me anymore, much less respects me.  I told him that I feel as though I’ve been buried, and that I have things I need to work out, I need TIME.

So, he pouts.

And tonight, because I didn’t gush about the things he did on his day off, I’m the villain.

Screw this.

I’m tired of being put on the defensive.  Last Tuesday, he suddenly turns to me and says “So.  When are WE going to do something?”  As though I’m the one always saying no.  As though I’m at fault, denying him time and attention. 

When was the last time he said “Hey, you know what?  Why don’t we go out this weekend, see a movie, or go out to dinner, just you and me?”

When was the last time he came up to me and just touched me affectionately?

When was the last time HE kissed ME, instead of the other way around?

No.  Instead – he acts like I’m the one always saying no, always demanding my own way.

Please.

One of the reasons why I got so into being on the computer within the last few months, is because he was monopolizing the television, and the movies.  Always wanting to watch “his” shows, never asking if I wanted to watch them.  Belittling the things I DO like to watch, as though they’re stupid, or making fun of them.

Enough to drive me behind the laptop, pulling it up high enough so I couldn’t see the television screen.  Blotting it out completely when I could.

And, when I do that, he POUTS.  Because I’m not “spending quality time” with him.  I’m RIGHT HERE.  In the SAME CHAIR I always am.  2 feet away from him, just like always.  Just because I’m not staring mindlessly at the screen of the tv, gushing over the shows he likes, and getting just as addicted to them as he is, he gets pissed.

Fuck it.

I’m tired.

I’m weary, right down to my bones.

Tired of compromising all the time, when he doesn’t feel like compromising at all.

Tired of changing what I want, just so he can have what He wants.

Tired of giving in, giving up, and giving over, and not getting anything in return except a pat on the head and a patronizing smile.

Weary.